Things of the mind

Alright, talking to air, that's always gotten me somewhere (or has it?), I'm not really sure. Mostly I just feel like talking so lets just speak out about what's on my mind.

What's on my mind is kind of relationships in general. I think I may be a little malformed in this subject, as apparently my initial reaction to being in a relationship is to think 'Well if I'm here in person and you're here in person that means we spend every waking moment in each others arms until we absolutely need to do something else.' which is a weird way of thinking even to me, but it's how my mind is thinking about it all. When I was doing the relationship thing long-distance there was no question what it was about, it was about the connection of personality to personality and how the drawing ties are amazing....

Hold on, let me listen to some happy music, this music on TV from 'Catz the Musical' is throwing off my mood. (Note: I am not the one who has it on)

Now I'm not putting this down in a depressive manner, but more-so in a psychological self-evaluation of myself. I like to evaluate myself, its kind of an odd quirk.

I've never much believed in the power of music myself, but it works for most other people and science says it DOES work, so I might as well. It might help if I actually ever paid attention to the music consciously rather then subconsciously, but that's a whole different subject to cover really.

Now I've had two serious girlfriends and four non-serious girlfriends. When I was a kid I used the four girlfriends long-distance just to simply say "WHOO, I HAS GIRLFRIEND" and it meant all the love as saying a plank of wood was your girlfriend (no offense to Plank, I'm sure he'd be a great boyfriend). But when I eventually just grew apart and stopped talking to them I came into a 'single' period of my life and I was just bored. So I went to go get a new girlfriend and make it work out seriously with her. Thus enters Serious Girlfriend #1, Zana. For all intensive purposes she's a great girl, just one real main problem: she has a problem with sex and I love the subject. I didn't know this upon meeting her, but the subject became the main problem of our relationship. And it raised to me a lot of questions of what exactly it was that I was looking for in a relationship. I definitely had a sort of physical lust for Zana, but only because the personality she portrayed to me, and the avatar that she used to portray herself meshed in such a way as to act upon my primal urges of wanting to have this person as my mate. I definitely was a head-struck, fool-hardy boy. And it certainly doesn't help that I was lured in by the Anime notion of 'love', that you love what you love and that that's how it is. You can't really explain it but if you know you're with the right one then you do know you are.

Of course, the REAL world is kind of more complicated then that, as my second girlfriend will attest, unconditional love is kind of a screwed up thing that tricks our brains into thinking we're happy with unhappy situations. But that's not to say things didn't work out to some degree, as me and Zana dated for FIVE long years. To this day I'm not really quite sure how that all managed to work. There was a lot of fighting and I know that we almost broke up twice before but only ended up staying together because of my (rather pathetic) begging for her to stay. And I think that's another problem, I'm in this middle of road of: I WANT TO BE A MAN, and "Oh please be my emotional support so I can never be sad!" which like to contradict each other and make me happy and sad at things that I'd rather be the opposite to. To put it in short terms: I'm kind of fucked up. And it really is starting to show with my second serious relationship, Chaz.

I am soooooo not accustomed to being in a 'real world' relationship. Mostly because all of my dating life, I deluded myself into thinking that 'long distance relationships' were the same as 'real world dating' because if you felt the REAL LOVE then it should count (there goes the anime logic again). Now don't get me wrong, there certainly is a big of truth to their being love in things you do, but it certainly doesn't come from 'out of nowhere' like a lot of anime have made me come to believe. Now I know I really DO in-fact love Chaz, but I'm finding it a little hard to believe, if that makes any sense. It's a matter of I KNOW this is the woman I've fallen in love with, but yet at the same time I have to double-check reality around my. My preconceived notions of what a relationship are and what you're supposed to do in one is basically questioned by the basic life that belongs to The Chaz. Don't get me wrong, this did with Zana too, considering I only knew Zana in person for a whopping total of two and a half months, but Zana was much odder as a girlfriend in person then Chaz is. Zana was so unaccustomed to having anything with legs hitting on her that she was weirded out and felt completely awkward at my presence of doing anything. At least with Chaz she doesn't feel nearly as awkward, but that in turn makes me feel awkward when things I knew we're fine with being done five seconds ago suddenly aren't okay because its time for some personal space.

Huh, 'Personal Space', a phrase I have been quite unfamiliar with all my life. Odd as that is to say. Most of my life I have either 'not' respected other people's personal space (mostly because I wasn't aware it was there) or I didn't have my personal space respected so I just gave up and excepted that this is the way it is. As I grew into the later half of high-school and began to mature I finally began to realize that personal space DID exist and that me invading it was actually kind of annoying people, so I stopped a lot of it. However, one place that I don't think it got fixed was in the relationship department, because every-single-day I was craving and yearning for my girlfriend who was 800 miles away and I couldn't hug her or kiss her or do anything with her beyond talk with her after school and or during the breaks. Going to see her was a difficult process and cost a couple hundred dollars which my parents almost never had cause they were always broke with bills (which now of getting an apartment and jobs I'm starting to wonder how they managed if they had budgeted their lives right). So all this pent up love and lust just kind of overflows upon my actually being able to see and be with the person I've fallen madly in love with for their personality, and it doesn't get reciprocated. Its like an overflowing pot, but theirs no chef to turn down the heat and stop the pot from overflowing.

So bring that to current day with Chaz: I think it's almost like physical withdrawals, that I'm so used to jut having as much of these emotional and physical displays of emotions that not having them returned at the same intensity feels weird, but I know that it's not what she is that's upsetting me, but rather my rather limited view and expectation of what I'm supposed to be getting that's letting me down. In reality and logic there is nothing wrong with Chaz's approach, the way she's going along in the relationship is actually really smart and I should follow in her foot steps and I know we'd be really happy. But for some reason I have trouble being happy unless I keep getting re-assured that she loves me, and that shouldn't be happening. I know that this is my mentality on the subject of love, and yet I do not like it. At all. The last thing I can think of wanting to do is do something stupid that would make Chaz leave me, but yet I also know that I'm having trouble with her level of love, but I love her and her level of love.

My brain hurts.

And for some reason this is only a problem of overthinking when I'm alone. When I hear her happy voice all my worries melt away and vanish, and when I'm hugging her I can feel her warm body and know that this is her way of showing that she cares for me. But when I'm not being given attention or I'm at home by myself, I lose sight of what's going on. In essence I don't realize that I'm forgetting she loves me and go back to the mentality of what I had with Zana, thinking that because we ARN'T spending every moment together that means there is SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG. Which there ISN'T anything horribly wrong. As far as I can tell I've done everything right: I've hugged her, kissed her, made her food, got her gifts/drawn her gifts, I haven't really withheld my emotions from her and I've been a comforting support as best I could. Heck I even mad-rushed a job for her so she wouldn't have to deal with the stress of making me leave (even though I don't think she'd have a problem with it). There is a few things that make me believe that there is a SLIGHT problem, but not an unfix-able problem. After all we've only been officially dating a MONTH at best, so it's far too early to say "OMG ITS NOT WORKING OUT" or "OMG THIS IS THE BEST RELATIONSHIP EVER". However, there are a few things I'd actually like to change about myself for two reasons: 1 being that I WANT these changes myself because how I hate the feeling of how I currently am and 2 I want to be less high maintenance for Chaz.

Yea, I know that's kind of odd, the MALE wanting to be less high maintenance then the FEMALE. But its true, I thought I was fairly low maintenance, but I keep finding reasons to contradict myself. I think it was easier to be low maintenance when I HAD all my computers and games, which coming up here I have been separated from (and thats a fault of my parents having now money argh) so I do think part of this problem is that I just put all my hobbies onto my computer and without them I kind of withdraw...

Wait a minute...When I was visiting Zana I had nothing to do but watch TV while she was on the computer....with Chaz I have nothing to do while she's on the computer but watch TV...

WELL BY GOLLY, my High-Maintenance status is dependent on me having my computer or not.

Chaz was telling me I needed to have something of my own that makes me happy like her drawings do for her, and the more I think about it, just having my computer itself, something that is MY machine, solely mine for the single purpose of being mine to do whatever I want with, is a very comforting fact. Even if I do nothing with it, don't really make anything special or customize it that much, MY computer is MY computer. I want it and not having it kind of makes me freak out. I don't know WHY I didn't reach this conclusion sooner, considering the fact that I KNOW I go crazy without a computer at all for long periods of time with nothing else to do.

I think what it was was that I thought I could be satisfied if I had someones computer I could borrow to pass the time, but its REALLY not the same. At all. This is someones computer, not my computer. The specs are all wrong, the customization is all wrong, the icons aren't where they are supposed to be, the background is wrong from what I want, the programs are all different and not what I want...

The monitor, the keyboard, the mouse, just EVERYTHING about this feels wrong to borrow and use. I don't like it when people go onto my computer and mess with things and look into my files, why would I want to go and do that with someones computer?

Here I am rambling on about how I'm blaming my awkward feelings on how I'm not accustomed to being in a 'real world' relationship, how I think there's something wrong with me and what I'm doing, when EVERYTHING COULD BE FIXED WITH JUST THAT ONE FACT.

Do you see why I try to self-evaluate myself now? I reach conclusions that I would never normally come to understanding if I didn't do any of this. Plus its kind of fun to see what I was thinking at a time all-the-way back then, but I only ever feel like writing down my thoughts and feelings when I think I could either go on and on about them, or if I really need to get something off my chest, heh.

RIGHT, so now I know what my first priority really is. Its getting my computer back....okay well AFTER I finish finalizing where it is I'm going to be working AND help out with the apartment rent and bills, I will send my parents the money to send up my computer. Cause I really am at a loss of what to do without. Not even having it around feels problematic to me.

I think this is also why I haven't been super-comfortable with the fact that Corey hacked my PSP. I mean, sure there are a LOT of benefits to having it done, but it was my PSP. I know I gave the permission, but I kind of liked it the way it was. I didn't think there was a problem, but who knows. I kind of just want to go buy another PSP and have it be non-hacked, copy over my save files and have two PSPs, one hacked, one not.

I definitely have to give Chaz more respect for not wanting people to look at her sketch books against her permission. I didn't understand how she felt about it before, and I respected her opinion and haven't been looking through them (though tempting it has been), I just didn't agree with her because I didn't understand why (considering everything I draw I generally draw for the sake of being seen) but if I compare it to how I have my computer set up, then I definitely understand and agree with her opinion on the matter.

This problem has been a general shot to my own self-confidence and I'd been trying to think of any and every solution I could to what I could do to make myself feel better about it, but now that I actually have a DECENT reason for why I feel the way I do, my self-confidence again shot through the roof. Just as it did when Chaz told me she preferred it when I had a bit of an ego. I've still kept that bit of wisdom, but not having my stuff effected my mood and put me into a state that I forgot that little tidbit of information. I DO want to be the low-maintenance, confident, smart and happy man that Chaz wants me to be, no doubt about that, because that is what I want to be myself. I was just having difficulty because of my move.

Ha-ha, wow I feel silly for the way I felt not maybe 30 minutes ago when I began writing this. It's hilarious how-much simply writing can effect my mood. No WONDER I love ranting, it's a GREAT tool to rationalize, change a mood AND make peace with my own thoughts.

Long story short: I should blog about what I'm thinking more often -Thumbs up-